Friend or Foe

My anxiety is both my greatest enemy and best friend. It’s a complicated relationship to say the least.

The best analogy I have to describe my experience with anxiety is my mind is like a computer with 20 windows open at all times. Each window is a thought. I cycle through each window, it's not intentional it's just how I operate. This process makes me feel like I've got everything handled and under control.

At it's best, I find this makes me extremely efficient as I feel like I’ve got a finger on the pulse on everything going on in my world.

At it's worse it seems like all the same windows are open but they are more like rabbit holes of “What if?” This is the exhausting part as there are so many windows to go through and each one causes me to ruminate. It's not so much a cycle as I get stuck. The times in my life where I have gotten stuck have been after a stressful event. My Uncle passed away a few years ago and even though I worked in palliative care and had a strong grasp on the circle of life. This hit me hard. If this person who I loved died- who is next? I am scared and I feel the need to be vigilant. Generally this is when I think staying on red alert will fix the situation. (Spoiler Alert- it never does)

It's the thought that If I can just pay enough attention then everything will be fine and nothing will get past me. I know this is unrealistic and factually inaccurate. My Anxiety does not agree.

The tricky part of thinking you can control outcomes by worrying about every detail is when I share concerns- I may hear “ Let it go” or “You’re overthinking it”

Then every once in a while life shoots me a curve ball and I handle it like a boss because this has been one of my worries and I've ruminated the shit out of the possibilities and I know what to do.

I then get the praise. “Thank God you’re here or “ You were so calm- and knew what to do”

My anxiety gets it’s reward. I feel validated and just like that it’s my super power.

What I know is I am not the reason the sun rises nor the reason it sets so this idea that I have control over outcomes is ridiculous.

So if you are anything like me. No solutions- but I see you and you are not alone.