Happily Married? Depends on the day

I have struggled with this term many times over my marriage. Generally it's when I'm angry.

What the hell does happily married even mean- it's an oxymoron.

I am happy and I am married. Am I happy because I am married?

Well I am happy I found the only person in the world who can manage my big feelings. This came in time though, It's not like my husband came in a prewrapped package. I have no doubt it started with tolerance of my big feelings then acceptance and then.... well I think acceptance is the best way term to describe where he is at.

Here's the thing- I drank the Kool Aid.

I really wanted to be married. I wanted the white dress and the special day, I wanted a family and I wanted it to be with someone I loved and could have the best time with.

Getting married promised the happy ever after- well that's what fairy tales and a good rom com taught us.

Divorce was... well I didn't even consider that because I wanted to get married damnit.

Who gets married while also planning that they will divorce?

I tease my husband that this starter marriage lasted way longer than I thought it would.

Now if someone would have told me how hard marriage could be I would have thought they were a "Captain Bringdown" I only wanted to hear the good stuff. It's kind of like when you want to start a family and people tell you about the sleepless nights and that it's a thankless job. Nobody wants to hear that. I certainly didn't.

My husband and I are 21 years married( I call it 42 years as surviving COVID still intact counts as double)

Don’t get me wrong- I adore my husband but to say 21 years didn’t come with its trial and tribulations would be a lie. This isn’t a revelation. Any committed couple knows that a life of compromise isn’t without its complications so let’s not pretend it’s easy and natural.

Love is beautiful, hurtful, all encompassing that bring highest highs, moments that take my breath away in the best way and moments I’m happy we got through. We celebrate each other’s strengths and have compassion for the struggles.

There is a peacefulness when we can see each other beautifully perfect and flawed.

This part though we don't fully appreciate at the start. To be clear, I didn't go into marriage completely doe eyed. I knew there would be tough times but I didn't take in how we each may process these tough times. I had this idea that whatever the emotion was- we'd both feel it the same way or maybe not even that...but more that we would both be healthy processors of all emotions.

Although we were together 5 years before getting married, we had never encountered grief,

parenting, job loss and other tough experiences that can come in time.

Social media has us all believing through pictures and posts that we are all deliriously happy, our kids are perfect, our homes spotless and no one snores but it doesn’t show any of the grit that comes with making a happy home. Setting an unattainable bar for our children and creates and fosters “keeping up with the Jones/Kardashians mentality”

What I know is you have to grow together and move through it all remembering to count the blessings rather than the shortcomings. That in itself is not always easy. When the chips are down we need to be each other’s champion and not another critic. The world has enough of those.

Am I glad I drank the Kool Aid? Well..... I would say my husband is very lucky to have me.(I say this in jest of course)

If we can understand that being married doesn't make the other “the fixer” or “happiness producer” for the other. That we are all capable of making good and bad decisions and finally being together doesn’t mean being attached at the hip and we can enjoy separate things without resentment. (I would rather watch paint dry then go golfing)

If you feel any of the above well then marriage just might be right for you or not...

As always no solutions- just my rambling thoughts.