New Year... Same Me

Am I the only one who has felt completely bleak throughout this month?

Is it COVID fatigue? Is it witnessing all of the divisiveness? or is it simply Winter in Canada?

I am an extrovert. I love connecting with people. However, I have noticed that not being around people has affected my love of being around people. It's like not drinking for a month and then one glass of wine and I'm done.

I have read that practicing gratitude helps rewire our brains. Science shows that simply keeping a gratitude journal and regularly writing brief reflections for which we're thankful - can significantly increase well-being and life satisfaction.

Well, I for one am tired of feeling like I need to be grateful all the time. I do keep a gratitude journal and each day I list 3 things I’m grateful for. I do feel it's a healthy practice but since I’m not a robot, there are days when I’m frustrated and tired and I need to shut off.

I know this bleak feeling will pass, the same way I know that moments of excitement and wonder pass. They are moments in time fueled by life’s current events.

Here’s my struggle

The thought comes like it always does.

Must be nice….

Hard to stay on top of housework-Must be nice to have a roof over your head and a bed to sleep in.

Tough day at work - Must be nice to be employed

Kids making me crazy -Must be nice to have a healthy family

I get caught in this loop of feeling that if I take a moment to have a quick pity party about something that has affected my spirit then I am ungrateful for all the blessings I have received.

I can invalidate an emotion as soon as I feel it.

I’m still frustrated and tired but now feel selfish as I know so many people have it worse off than me. The well-intended message we've all been taught to be grateful as someone else has it worse has many of us invalidating our feelings.

I believe this is what they call “comparable suffering.” I know I’m not alone in this.

Pain is not objective. You cannot compare suffering. Our feelings are our feelings no matter how they measure up to another’s.

Yes, there is someone who will always have it worse but we need to give ourselves the grace to take a moment and let ourselves feel the feelings and heal ourselves the best way we know how to. We also need to recognize that not giving ourselves the compassion we give to others and perpetuating our angst doesn’t make it better for anyone.

I need to remind myself I can be grateful and sad. Feel blessed and disillusioned. One feeling does not need to discount the other. We can walk through life trying to be selfless and ignoring our own needs but it’s like the adage of sweeping things under the rug soon enough you create a mountain. Lift the rug and we get buried by an avalanche.

Let's allow ourselves to feel it all and not compare our experience or handling of the experience to anyone else’s. We can keep our frustrations in perspective AND still allow ourselves to feel them. I think acknowledging that we feel bleak and recognizing the feeling when it happens can make feelings of joy and happiness that much sweeter.

So if January has felt bleak to you as well, so be it. Let's hope February is better and the sun staying out past 6pm will help.

Onward and upward friends but only if you feel like it.